Monthly provocations and practices for transformational leaders. Disrupt the reactive cycle keeping you and your team stuck in the status quo to create real and sustainable change.
Did she just say the b-word?
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Have you noticed that there are bad words in business? I mean words that are innocuous in daily life, but when you dare utter them in a work context they’re practically scandalous? I’ve written before about the f-word, and today we’re going to talk about the b-word: Boundaries. The notion of saying no, drawing a line or setting a limit strikes fear in the hearts of many leaders I know. But I believe boundaries are scary because we misunderstand them. We think of them as barriers, brick walls that divide and disconnect us from others. They feel selfish, awkward, even confrontational. But what if a boundary is really a connector? A strategic bridge? What if we actually can’t lead without them? “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."—Prentis Hemphill, author of the soul-nourishing What It Takes to Heal ME X YOUBoundaries: Honoring Self + Other“I’m good,” she said, knowing that good is one of the words I won't accept during a coaching session check-in—the others are fine and busy—but also she did not sound good at all. I gave her a beat, which was all she needed. “Well, actually, I’m frustrated and angry.” It seemed like a relief to get the words out, but I knew it was hard for her to admit. She said she felt “sucked dry“ by the drama around her and the demands being made of her. She was having a hard time differentiating “what's mine, and what belongs to other people.“ This is where boundaries come in. They allow us to honor ourselves and others at the same time. Boundaries are where you and I become we: Far from being dividers that separate me from you, healthy boundaries are actually the very thing that makes sustainable connection possible. Boundaries are alive: Unlike a brick wall, healthy boundaries are living and porous, like a cell membrane that lets in nourishment, keeps out toxicity, and releases what's no longer needed. The best boundaries are responsive and adaptive as conditions change around and within us. Boundaries set us free: When we set boundaries, it means we are at choice about how we show up in a particular relationship in a particular context. It means being honest about what we prefer and what we need—which means we get to be more fully ourselves. So, what kinds of boundaries shall we establish?
If this sounds good in theory but feels guilty in practice, know this: Guilt is natural, at least at first. It’s just part of it. Don’t take the feeling of guilt to mean you shouldn’t have a boundary. It’s more likely a signal that you’ve been prioritizing others’ needs over your own for so long that setting a boundary feels foreign—even wrong. Guilt is a feeling, not a fact. Step back and ask yourself what it's costing you and your relationships. As my client said with utter clarity at the end of our session, “If I’m not being honest, what am I even doing here?” cuddle timemy son is made of me they say being a mother but there comes a point pretty much every day and I tell my sweet son In Practice: 3 Steps to Healthy BoundariesDonella Meadows teaches us that “systems rarely have real boundaries. Everything, as they say, is connected to everything else, and not neatly.” I’d add that everyone is connected to everyone else, and quite messily. This is why we need boundaries ("for clarity and sanity," says Meadows) but we also need to recognize that they don’t exist on their own—they are our own creation, and it’s in everyone’s best interests that we create and maintain them with care. All through May in the Radiant Leader membership, we'll be practicing just that: 1. Setting BoundariesA Product Leader realizes she is constantly interrupted during her focus time, which is affecting not just her work quality but her wellbeing. She needs uninterrupted blocks to think strategically about the product roadmap. 2. Communicating BoundariesThe leader blocks 90-minute “deep work” sessions on her calendar three times weekly and sends a note to her team explaining that during these times, she’ll be unavailable except for true emergencies. She also shares that this will help her be more present, clear and responsive during other times. 3. Reinforcing + Revisiting BoundariesThe first week, she has to remind several colleagues about her focus time. By the third week, interruptions decrease significantly. After a month, she reflects on the timing of her blocks and adjusts one to better align with team needs while still protecting her focus time.
Join the May Mini-Retreat: Boundaries - Honoring Self + OtherRemember, Mini-Retreats are free for RadiantLeader.co members, who can RSVP here. 💛 Last Word: Boundaries Are RelationalBoundaries are not a solo practice. They are inherently relational. As Meadows says, “If you try to solve a sewage problem by throwing the waste into the river, the towns downstream make it clear that the boundary for thinking about sewage has to include the whole river.” She's talking literally about sewage and river systems here, but she could just as easily be speaking about all kinds of relationships, from families to corporate cultures to international trade agreements. When we set clear, compassionate boundaries, we aren’t pulling away—we’re creating the conditions for more authentic, more sustainable, more complete connection. Where do you want to begin? Onward together, P.S. It's my birthday week! 🎉 If you enjoy this newsletter or appreciate the work I'm doing at Radiant Change, please consider sharing it with a friend or colleague. That's the best gift I could ask for. 🎁 Kristen Lisanti |
Radiant Change
Monthly provocations and practices for transformational leaders. Disrupt the reactive cycle keeping you and your team stuck in the status quo to create real and sustainable change.
When you think of a toxic work culture, what comes to mind? Screaming bosses? Fierce competition? Endless arguments? Not me. In my experience, if there’s one telltale sign that a culture is in decline, it’s not shouting. It’s silence. “We’re polite to death,” a client recently told me. “Nobody says what they actually think. We smirk and nod in meetings, then spend the next week in sidebar conversations complaining about what we just agreed to.” Sound familiar? We've been conditioned to see...
We adopted a puppy last week. His name is Axl. When Axl sits, he gets a treat. When he stays, he gets a treat. When he comes when called, another treat. The simple system of training a dog works beautifully—desired behavior, immediate reward, quick results. It’s easy to see why we’ve designed our organizations with this strategy of rewarding specific behaviors with external prizes—it works. Axl is learning to sit because I am teaching him what I value and giving him something he values in...
till our April Mini-Retreat: Beyond Balance Want to know if this Mini-Retreat is for you? Check out my latest post on why work/life balance isn't working: click to watch on LinkedIn Ready for more purposeful work and a more aligned life? This Friday's 90-minute Zoom Mini-Retreat will offer you deep practices—not for work/life balance, but for work/life integration. You’ll learn how to live your many roles with purpose, how to set and maintain boundaries, and why it's important to manage not...